The Urban Dictionary defines a Steel Magnolia as “A Southern woman who is strong and independent yet very feminine.” Talk about an understatement. Steel Magnolias have waned since the Feminist Movement when one fabricated personality replaced another.

I was raised in the South in the 50s when being feminine meant heavily starched crinolines and gloves. We wore no white after Labor Day or before Easter. By the time I was 12, I went to the Beauty Parlor every week. Big hair was important. There was no mistaking a girl for a boy back then. We were trained to be prissy and flirty. We were princesses.

In the movie, Steel Magnolias, Julia Roberts broke all of the Steel Magnolias rules of pretense and prattle and ultimately she lost her life.

You see a Steel Magnolia talks about others, not what is bothering her. In the movie, Claree declares, “Well, you always know what I say...if you can't think of anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."

Gossip was an art form.

When you walk out the door, you put on your happy face. What happened in the house, stayed in the house: this unspoken rule kept me in an abusive situation for many years.

Unfortunately when I began having children, I also had this cookie cutter image for my children as well. It took years for me to see what I was doing and had done. We are each as different as snowflakes and to bend a child to project an image is to thwart his emotional growth. The South isn’t the only culture that has preprogrammed expectations for their children.

It isn’t harmless either: Certain syndromes are rooted in performance and perfectionism.

People can fabricate a personality in order to adapt themselves to other people’s expectations. For example, there are people whom are chameleons: They’ll say anything and everything that they can, to keep you happy. They’ve been doing it from childhood to keep daddy off their back. Actually, it is a form of lying, but it’s lying about one’s identity. If this is you, then you have either a fabricated personality or you’ve created one to find an identity.

Years ago I got caught up in a teaching at a church by Smalley and Trent that sought to define who I was. In that identity series, it was taught, if we have part of our identity that’s not really us, then you get into some of these really bad Christian profiling where, I’m a bear, you’re a lion, I’m a retriever...in order for me to get along with you I have to meet your animalistic nature.

We’re not animals, we’re sons and daughters of God. But I was duped. I capitalized on my defects that showed up as a lion. Good old hubby was a golden retriever. Now try to find that in the Bible.

And God created Adam and Eve, not a lap dog and a raging lion (okay He did, but I think you get my point). But I hid behind this armor because it was easier than dealing the real me hiding behind it out of fear. The truth was I had fear of man, fear of rejection, fear of failure and developed a fear based disease and yes, they say it’s psychological, because we become one in our personality on two dimensions…spirit and soul. So that spiritually and psychologically we are not what God had in mind. Yet if you stripped away everything from my personality that wasn’t of God at that point, I would have been, a walking vegetable. I wouldn’t have known how to relate to anything because I had been using the enemy’s profiling of my life to have my identity and so that became a type of armor that kept me loosely glued together.

This is an emotion management ploy that Carl Jung originated and many have developed their own twist of: It was Jung's opinion that people instinctively understand the personality in terms of a set of four elements (his four types being one example of such a set, and the four humours of the Greeks being another). These groups of four (technically called tetralogies) underlie a very large number of personality assessment techniques.

Fortunately, I discovered Be in Health’s, For My Life program. There I learned I was not who God saw from the foundation of the world. I began a journey to freedom to become the “me” God created. It is different than the vision Mom and Dad had for me. All the careers I tried did not fill that deep hole or make me feel like I belonged like this peace. The drivenness and performance to earn love and approval is gone. I recognize that I am just a pilgrim in progress and what I accomplish each day is enough.

Here is what I learned: That fabricated lion was nothing more than matriarchal control dressed up in pink, while the golden retriever was a passive husband who had not taken his right place as head of the house. When things got in order, there was both peace and the strength of unity.

BIH has discovered that those with the cancer profile respond to loss, whatever it is, with profound feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A defense mechanism that helps protect Satan’s kingdom in this inner battle is “not acknowledging your feelings”. They are in denial about their own feelings. Sometimes they put on a fabricated personality or they will put on a smile, but it is not a real smile. These are defense mechanisms to hide the real pain within and not let anyone know how much they hurt.

The Holy Bible says to confess your faults one to another so that you may be healed:

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. “ (James 5:16)

I have never had to face cancer. However, I know what it is to repress my feelings to the extent that other diseases did manifest. When I first went through For My Life, for instance, my pharmacy bill was roughly $600 a month WITH insurance. Now eight years later, it is less than $200 a month WITHOUT insurance. I still take insulin.

I am indeed a Steel Magnolia by birth and upbringing. I am strong and very much a girly-girl, but that headstrong independence that was a façade to protect myself from others is gone. Instead, I am very approachable and no longer afraid of what others think. Life is a journey and I purpose to enjoy this ride.