When I first heard this book title (Happiness is a Choice) probably 20 years ago, I was furious. I thought, “Yeah, right. Live my life and tell me where the choice is.”

What I didn’t recognize was in addition to a decade of depression I was swathed in self-pity. A victim of abuse for 25 years, I was convinced that no one could understand what I had been through. The very fact that I had not given up on life was a heroic feat in my book. I saw myself as an over-comer, a survivor. That mentality does not bring life, but it perpetuates the pain, because without the abuse, you have no identity.

Author John Piper asserts, ‘the nature and depth of human pride are illuminated by comparing boasting with self-pity’. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering. Boasting says, “I deserve admiration because I have achieved so much.” Self-pity says, “I deserve admiration because I have sacrificed so much.” Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing.”

The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego, and the desire of the self-pitying is not really for others to see them as helpless, but as heroes. The need self-pity feels does not come from a sense of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of un-applauded pride.

I don’t believe in the midst of self-pity you are able to see how this pride warps your perception. Someone struggles and you haughtily judge, perhaps not out loud, “If you only knew what real suffering was.”

It is as if you have to top another’s pain with yours. There is no room for mercy, compassion or empathy because self-pity is very selfish. It’s all about me. Me, me, me and oh, yes, me.

If it is confronted, it will wail, “Nobody understands me.” Or accuse you of being insensitive.

The late John Gardner, former Secretary of HEW, said, "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

I have found that, not only is self-pity addictive, but it loves to hook up with another addiction. Now you have a real stronghold. The addiction of drugs, overeating, shopping or whatever is reinforced by self-pity to help hold it in place.

Recently I listened to Henry Wright’s two CD set entitled “Self-Pity”. I was shocked to hear that everyone has a little bit of it. It is just that some of us have chosen to starve it while others fed and tended to it until it became Goliath in our lives.

Helen Keller said, “Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.”

Nick Vujicic is 26 years old. He was born without arms or legs and given no medical reason for this condition. His online videos are powerful. No arms, no legs and yet he has ministered to over two million people around the world. No self-pity. He took what he had and poured it out as a gift to others.

He says, “God has given me the strength to surmount what others might call impossible. Along with that, the Lord has placed within me an unquenchable passion to share this same hope and genuine love that I've personally experienced.”

No arms, no legs and he is sharing hope and love? Vujicic says, “One of my favorite scriptures from the Bible is Psalm 139:17-18 that says, ‘How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand’.”

“God has used me to let people know in countless schools, churches, prisons, orphanages, hospitals, stadiums and in face-to-face encounters with individuals how very precious they are to God. Secondly, it's my pleasure to assure them that God does have a plan for their lives that is purposeful. For God took my life, one that others might disregard as having any significance and filled me with His purpose and showed me His plans to move hearts and lives toward Him. Understanding this, though faced with struggles, you can overcome too.”

Can you imagine a God that has more thoughts about you personally than all the grains of sand on all the beaches and deserts of the world? That’s a lot of thoughts? So why are we de-railed by just one thought? Maybe it is, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen” or, “Nothing ever goes right for me.” I think because it, self-pity is an addiction, and in order to break that addiction we have to recognize it and take responsibility. Self-pity blames others and does not like responsibility.

If it begins with a warped thought, why not replace that stinking thought for one of the million good thoughts God has about you?

You are God’s child: “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, [even] to them that believe on his name.” (John 1:12)

You are Christ’s friend: “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. “ (John 15:15)

You are God's workmanship: “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works. (Eph. 2:10)”

It’s time to start re-writing the tapes of your life. Recreate memes into healthy ones instead of listening to the whiny ones of times past.

Robin Crow, lecturer, said, “If you want positive answers, ask positive questions. For instance, ‘How can I earn more and work fewer hours?’ or, ‘How can I have a closer and richer relationship with my wife?’ Your mind will come up with the answers; it has no choice. That’s simply the way our minds work. On the other hand, if you ask, ‘How come life is so hard?’ or ‘Why wasn’t I born rich?’ you will end up in a tailspin of self-pity and bitterness. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you ask. Don’t underestimate the power of asking questions, because they will have a massive effect on the course of your life.”

Happiness is indeed a choice. Which thoughts, which questions, which attitude will you choose today?