It seems like God has used anything and everything possible to get my attention lately: People, radio, movies, RANDOM thoughts, text message, animals, and even just walking around Walmart.

The thing is, I get it.

I know that He's trying very hard to get my attention.

I know that He wants me to let Him love me.

I know that He wants me to surrender to Him and stop fighting.

I also know what 4 times 6 is, the capitol of Maine, and how to boil water...

I know a lot.

That knowing is what has always gotten me into trouble.

God is something I don't want to just know about. Sure I can give Bible verses and sound very spiritual to others when need be, but can I just admit...I can't do that for myself. I can take care of other’s spiritual needs till the cows come home, but when it comes to me and what I need, I freeze up.

Maybe it's because I don't think I really "need" anything, but that's a lie; I do need things. For example, I need food and water right? (Don't strain [yourself] for the answer, it's yes.) Those are the two simplest things that I need. If I serve a simple God, shouldn't it be just that easy to "need" Him like I need food and water? 

In 12-step programs you'll hear a lot of people say, "this isn't for people that need it, it's for people that want it." I want that desire to need God! I've told God a million times how much I want to love Him and trust Him. What I'm realizing right this second is that I've never told Him how much I want to need Him [wrap your little brain around that].

I want to get to the place where I need God like I need food and water.

The truth is, I've tried EVERYTHING else. None of it worked. Nothing has ever truly healed the hurt. It's all just covered it up. It's covered up so deeply that it doesn’t seem like I can accept anything as simple as food and water, let alone the God of the universe.

The thing is, I want to surrender. I don't want to fight anymore. I want be able to fully accept God, because I honestly don't think I ever have. Don't get me wrong here, i'm pretty sure I'm getting there...Baby steps...At least I can be real.

I truly want to need God and not just know about Him.

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."(Galatians 6:9 The Holy Bible)

If none of this makes sense, the song lyrics below by Missi Hale (“Piece Me Together”), really explain where I'm at:

"There isn't any question As to why I'm a mess inside. I've searched other places, oh yeah

All for the rest I need to find.

I wait in this chaos. Clearly I created it for myself. The answer is simple, Oh Lord I need Your help.

So, piece me together. Put me right back where you want me.

Cause You are forever And this is only temporary.

I thought seeing was believing But on my own, I've seen enough.

I know your desire is to see all I know get to my heart.

So, piece me together. Put me right back where you want me.

Cause You are forever And this is only temporary."