I don’t sleep in. I wish I could. One of my ten commandments is: Thou shalt push the snooze button and cuddle. Unfortunately, it conflicts with another one of my ten commandments: Thou shalt get thine butt up and take thy dogs outside so they don’t pee all over thy floor.

The other morning as I pushed on my glasses and staggered into the harsh light of day, my dog Ruby—a Jack Russell terrier mix—immediately spotted a squirrel. Dion, my Chihuahua might do a little playful chasing of squirrels and lizards and German Shepherds, but it always comes down to the fact that he really can’t be bothered to commit to anything but sunning himself. Once Ruby has seen a squirrel on the other hand, she loses her goddamned mind.

I live in a magical thicket affectionately known as The Shire. Magical creatures like hummingbirds, skunks and wayward housecats abound, so it’s not uncommon for Ruby to find herself trained to the trunk of a tree, hoping against hope that this is going to be her lucky day.

But squirrels are crafty little buggers and they find a particular enjoyment in toying with my dog’s emotions. This was one of Ruby’s regulars – a midsize brown squirrel that scurries across the roof and into the pine tree each morning. Most times they play a little game of now you see me, now you don’t and Ruby goes on to complete her morning business. This morning in question however, the squirrel (who will henceforth be known as Antoinette) was really throwing my poor Ruby for a loop. Antoinette would come down just far enough on the trunk to make Ruby think she had a chance. As soon as Ruby jumped at the tree with her short, stubby little legs, Antoinette would run back up, but not so far to make Ruby think she was gone for good.

This ridiculousness went on for over ten minutes, Antoinette taunting Ruby and Ruby willingly submitting herself to these antics. It wasn’t time for playing—it was time to get down to business. It was time for objectives to be initiated, completed and scooped up, so I, being the bigger and smarter of all of us decided to take a stand. I left Dion, who was stretched out in his usual angle of repose in a sunlit patch and made my way to the tree in order to put an end to this sad display of squirrel versus dog.

I began by waving my arms, thinking that Antoinette would be intimidated by my sheer size and make for the top of the tree. Antoinette simply snickered at me demonically and remained unmoved. In fact, from higher up in the branches, I heard one of her compadres egging her on. Oh, I’d show them. Antoinette snaked around the other side of the trunk and sent Ruby frantically yelping, her mouth open wide and craving a taste of delicious squirrel. I grabbed a long, discarded yardstick—my weapon of choice for protecting my dogs against the wiles of magical forest dwellers.

Antoinette stood her ground as I shook the stick at her as a warning. I moved closer and she ran in circles around the trunk as did I, beating the tree with my stick. Ruby and I were going to take this squirrel down. As I circled the tree, Antoinette deftly flew to another trunk. I jumped, my stick coming within inches of swatting her off. So close to glory. I wrapped my body around the tree and started to push myself up, the delicate polyester of my nightdress snagging and tearing against the rough bark. Ruby was yelping even louder now and the birds who bore witness nearby had erupted into round of shrill chirps and caws. Where they laughing at me? A good twelve inches off the ground now I swung my stick, sure that it would send Antoinette tumbling to earth. She barely even moved, just stared at me with her cunning little eyes. That was when it happened: A pinecone launched by her unseen compadre flew down at me, knocking the glasses off my face. I stumbled backwards and heard the inevitable crunch of a lens being popped out of my frames and the frames being irreparably bent by the wide expanse of my size ten foot. We were defeated.

Ruby still thought we had a chance and her body tried to wriggle away from me as I blindly picked her up and headed back. Dion yawned and stood up, his ears erect and pondered me thoughtfully, wondering “Is it finally time to eat now?” As we entered the sanctuary of my room I decided two things: One, I would dig up a recipe for squirrel, and two, I would amend my commandment to read: Thou shalt push the snooze button and cuddle with thy dogs.