When I was five years old and in kindergarten I was engaged to a boy named Chris. We were engaged because I had decided we were going to get married and informed him of such. He readily agreed, as any smart man would do when faced with a woman who knows what she wants.

At the end of recess one day the whistle blew, which signaled we were to line up against the wall before we returned to our classroom. While I stopped my play and was one of the first ones to line up along the wall, Chris was still chasing a friend through the swing set and embarrassing me with his non-compliant antics. I put my hands on my hips and yelled across the playground: “Chris, if you don’t come stand next to me right now we’re not going to get married!”  He immediately abandoned his game of tag and came running to stand next to me.  As he slid his sweaty palm into mine I knew that I could have whatever I wanted. I just had to tell people what to do. Preferably in a very loud voice!

Some people are born with the gift of gab while others are born with an uncanny ability to always get their way. Call it tyrannical, call it being a diva, call it what you will, but there’s an art to it. I am equally mesmerized by both my young niece and Naomi Campbell. Naomi uses flying ninja cell phones as part of her arsenal and my niece has the amazing lung capacity to scream for two hours straight if she doesn’t get her way. It’s really a beautiful thing to witness once you get past the black eyes and temporary deafness. Who’s to say these so called “divas” and their police slapping ilk aren’t beacons of hope for a confused world?

A proper tantrum can be as loud an unfaithful lover’s car being pummeled with a blunt object, or as quiet as the refusal to return a kiss. A temper tantrum doesn’t obey the laws of polite society. It can erupt without warning and leave a devastating trail of frustration, near psychosis, designer luggage and sometimes even human hair. I had a dream recently that my boyfriend told me he had another girlfriend. He seemed rather nonchalant about the whole thing while I, on the other hand, was not. In the dream I picked up a chair and headed straight for his brand new flat-screen. We can even dream in temper tantrum. This is how important they are to our lives. This is why, even if you’re not going to master the art of the temper tantrum, you should at least learn the basics: Even if only to protect yourself.

I hope I’m not giving away too many secrets here, but there’s nothing that terrifies a man more than an angry woman. It will shake him to his core (read: testicles). Notice I say angry rather than nagging, bitching or generally whiney. To pull of a decent temper tantrum you have to be genuinely angry. The good news—this isn’t as hard as it sounds.  Between our constantly fluctuating hormones and the ridiculous amount of time we’re expected to dedicate to removing errant body hair in a variety of painful ways, we have plenty of reasons to unleash the fury at any minute of the day. And not only can we, we should.

We owe the world more robust and heartfelt temper tantrums. Without them, we would just be repressed women and I guarantee you, the world does not need any more of those.  This brings us to our next topic of discussion: Throwing Shit. Well, not shit literally, unless you really wanted to make a statement. I’m talking about the basic throwing of objects in order to emphasis your point.

First, you must know what sort of point you’re trying to make. For example, if your date has said something slightly off-color in a mixed crowd you might throw them an If You Don’t Shut Your Mouth Right Now It Could Mean Death look.  It’s subtle, it’s effective and it can also be used quite well with children and dogs who are misbehaving. If the end of your temper tantrum needs an exclamation point however, and the crowd you’ve managed to gather is too big for a simple look, this is when larger things must be brought into play.

Large objects include anything you can pick up and throw. You do not want to choose anything that you’re unable to lift or it will defeat you and your tantrum. Some pick shoes, others dishware, and the really brave and creative ones pick things you never would have guessed like that heavy, ceramic lid that covers the water tank on your toilet. For the sake of avoiding jail time and attorney’s fees, it’s best if you didn’t actually throw these objects directly at another person, small child or animal. Instead, pick things that are easily broken and throw it next to the person. The shattering sound will add some spice and really hammer your point home.

Perhaps the most important thing in mastering the art is realizing that the true temper tantrum is a force of nature. It is unpredictable, it is unforgiving and it is unhinged. Take your hair out of its pony tail and get it nice and messed up. You must look the part if you’re going to leave a memorable wake of destruction behind you. Be unbound by whatever you are normally supposed to be (read: sweet, quiet and nurturing). Spit venom, be so loud you can’t be ignored and make people fear for their safety. (Note: cursing someone’s mortal soul to the scorching bowels of Hell is quite bone chilling and can stick with them years after the initial tantrum - do this often.)

Yes, this goes against how we’ve been trained, and in certain situations you may be shunned from society completely for not acting accordingly, possibly even locked into a mental health facility. Yes, electro-shock therapy is bad, but to deny our legacy is even worse. The Hindu goddess Kali is the nurturer-destroyer. She wears a necklace of skulls and blood drips from her pointed teeth, yet she also sees to it that babies are properly cared for.  She will level your home, and then give you the means by which to rebuild it.  She is both feared and loved.

What necessitates a temper tantrum? I say anything that pisses you off deserves some level of tantrum. However, don’t throw an I Just Got Dumped tantrum for a Somebody Left Dishes In The Sink sized offence. I don’t care if you’re PMSing, you will not be taken seriously, nor will any and all future tantrums. The tantrum should outmatch the offending gesture by only a few degrees.

Not only have I thrown my fair share of temper tantrums, I’ve also been on the receiving end of plenty, though I’m afraid these days more people might be biting their tongue instead of biting back.  It’s a shame really, because too many people become vortexes of quiet misery instead of getting mad when they were supposed to.  I’m here to tell you it’s okay, you have a safe space to start stomping around; to cross your arms and behave like an insolent child. The rest of us will just have to weather the storm. And dodge the flying objects.