This is a harmless example of two people who don’t speak the same language trying to navigate the murky waters of romance. But what if we actually speak the same language and I still don’t understand what the other person is trying to tell me? Is there enough cervesa in the world to cure this problem?

Sometimes I might be saying: “I’m crazy about you,” in my unique brand of love-speak but it’s not being understood the way I meant it, or it’s not quite being shouted back at me in a way I can understand. Maybe I’m hearing: “Yeah, I guess you’re alright…I guess.” when what is actually being said is something more like: “You’re wonderful. And by wonderful I mean so absolutely amazing that I believe our souls must’ve been sewn together in a wrinkle in another fabric of time and that we were destined to finally meet again...the space/time continuum be damned.”

It would be a lot easier if people actually said how they feel, but they don’t. They display their feelings in a variety of ways and it’s usually up to us to discern exactly what they mean. Breakfast in bed could mean one of two things: “I wish you could stay here with me all day” or “As soon as you’re done with this you’re gonna have to bounce sweetie.” Besides, you and I both know if we said exactly how we felt all the time, love would be a lot less torturous. And how could we possibly ever live in a world without tortured love? To court a mate, the peacock doesn’t just mosey on up to a lovely pea hen and say “How ‘bout you and me go build some ground level nests together baby?” No. He puffs out his feathers in hopes that she will be wowed by his iridescent awesomeness. It means the same thing. Or so he hopes, and so he agonizes.

We’ve all been introduced to the subtleties of body language and to identify clues that mean that a potential mate is interested. However, if you’re lucky enough in the world of courtship to get past the initial displays of giant plumage and cheap beer to discover that the two of you are really into each other, body language gets thrown out like yesterdays garbage. To know that you’re wanted and accepted and loved is a good feeling. Strike that. It is a wonderful feeling. It is a feeling to end all feelings. It is where the real trouble begins.

Personally, even after my heart is won, I am not impressed by anything less than complete and total adoration. I need ego stroking like Britney Spears needs her BBQ flavored pork rinds and I am not ashamed to admit it. This can keep a lot of eager young gentlemen out of the game because it requires stamina. Love in general requires a mind blowing amount of stamina. The challenge is often constantly and consistently letting the other person know you care and being able to receive the information as well.

According to Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages, there are five different ways people communicate their love and admiration for one another. These include; words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. I can most easily understand words of affirmation and quality time as ways of someone telling me how much they care about me. If they didn’t tell me how wonderful or beautiful they thought I was, or didn’t want to kick it with me on the regular, I’d have a hard time understanding that they loved me. On the other side of the coin, I am hard pressed to communicate my feelings through words of admiration. And though I expect guys to wax poetic and serenade me underneath my window (I really have a perfect setup for serenades, you should see it) I prefer demonstrating my feelings through acts of service.

I do things like clean up your puke when you’re sick, overhaul your old resume or agonize with you over whether or not you really need that fifty inch plasma. This, in the brand of love-speak I mentioned earlier is how I say “I’m crazy about you.” I guess I don’t even think about whether or not people can or can’t understand my actions to say what I mean them to say. They just come naturally to me to do them as an extension of my depth of feeling.

One of my best friends always sends gifts to the people she loves, be it a post card or a plane ticket. Another will give quality time - her undivided attention at all times whether it’s on the phone or in person. Still another will always reach out and touch someone, always making sure to give a long hug or a squeeze on the hand or shoulder to transfer the fact that she cares. Most of us use a mix of these love languages to tell people how we feel. In friendships these ways of communicating are usually easier to understand and reciprocate than in romantic relationships since we have less pride, ego and vulnerability attached to them.

With love interests, I often hope that they will, at some point, learn how to properly “talk” to me in their displays of affection. I find that my girlfriends also struggle with sorting through the various actions of their potential mates to figure out how that person truly feels about them. A gift-giver might be painfully confused as to why her guy never returns in like, but may fail to see that he always has her favorite foods stocked in the fridge when she visits. The woman who gives lots of physical touch might be hurt that her main squeeze is a rather stand-offish sort of fellow, but all the while he goes to great lengths clearing his schedule to spend lots of time with her. Women can work their hearts into all sorts of knots if they don’t feel properly loved, it’s really quite an epic sight to behold (think a two year olds’ temper tantrum in the grocery store crossed with a silent treatment to end all silent treatments). For men, this boils down to the fact that they won’t get as much sex as is potentially possible if they can’t come up with the goods in terms of communicating how they feel in a way their lady can understand.

Lucky me if I’m able to find somebody who is able to fluently speak all of these different love languages. Lucky any of us. However, until that Prince or Princess falls off their mighty steed or tall, tall tower and into our lives, most of us will remain stuck in the reality that the majority of folks are bilingual at best. The point is not to be upset that this is reality - that there is a large dose of struggling and frustration which must happen before we’re truly able to understand each other. It takes time and patience to learn what the hell our special someone is actually trying to tell us when they forget to buy us something really heartfelt on our birthdays but will have no problem sympathetically giving us their ear when we’re trying to work out a problem. Being able to appreciate how someone is displaying their love is disheartening sometimes, but the beauty of love is going through the agonies to reach the small understandings. It’s saying the things you’re supposed to say, but normally have a hard time saying. Things like; “Sorry”, or “I love you” or “I’ll take out the trash.”