I’m currently in recovery for being overly-responsible. This is why I can tell those who are currently addicted to responsibility—it’s never worth it. You end up in dark alleys, in the wrong part of town, doing things you never thought you’d do; like somebody else’s taxes.

Sure, you’re picking up the slack for 80% of the population that makes no attempt to be responsible at all, but the long and short of it is that the 80% of the population who let details fall through the cracks thinks you’re suckers. And so do I.

For those who find themselves loading up on responsibility after responsibility (planning a party, agreeing to watch someone’s kids, walking the neighbor’s dog, helping your wife or boyfriend pick out a present, listening to a friend’s sob story, and helping your roommate paint their room – all on the same day) there is hope...

It’s called...Stop-Doing-That.

I remember one day several years ago I had to rush from house to house because three of my friends had decided to have emotional breakdowns all on the same day. At the end of that very long day who was there for my emotional breakdown? You guessed it. No one. Responsible people attract responsibility like crack attracts crackheads. And until you stop being your overly-responsible self, you will be approached by people looking to unload their responsibility onto you—for a quick fix.

Overly responsible people have this strange habit of always saying yes to requests of their time. I don’t know why they say yes when no is so much more fun to say. Say it. No. Again. No. One more time. No! No is definite. No is no. Yes could be yes. Yes might mean be maybe. Yes can possibly also mean no. “Can you come three hours early and help me prepare for the baby shower?” No. Say no unless you would show up three hours early with absolute pleasure or if you’re co-hosting.

Imagine your life is a plate. It can be any plate you want, preferably made out of biodegradable materials and bigger than a dessert plate. If your plate is too empty, life gets pretty boring right? It’s nice to be responsible to someone, even if that someone is just yourself. But if your plate is too full, you get overwhelmed and life gets really stressful. Overly-responsible people put too much on their plate. There’s something that makes them feel good about piling on the responsibility. Maybe they feel like they’re a superhero or are suffering from a look-at-me-aren’t-I-such-a-great-person-because-I’m-helping-all-these-people-out complex. This is a sickness akin to martyrdom which people generally don’t have much patience for these days.

People don’t care how much you do or don’t suffer under the weight of your own or other people’s responsibilities. The people who especially don’t care are the ones putting that responsibility on you. Beware the acquaintance you’re always there for who seems to disappear when it’s you who needs something. Get that bitch off your plate. If they’re a sinkhole of your precious time, they can hop on over to someone else’s plate, hopefully their own.

Your plate should be like a perfectly proportioned meal. The biggest portion should be for you and your own personal goals and needs. This should include your hobbies and passions and your family (depending on the age of the children). The second biggest portion should be for work and friends (work optional). Acquaintances and extracurricular activities that don’t directly relate to your life goals, family or career don’t have to be on your plate at all. If they find themselves there every now and then, that’s fine, that’s how life works. There is nothing that should eclipse your responsibility to yourself unless it’s an infant that needs constant tending to or a relative that’s suddenly fallen ill.

I believe people accept a disproportionate amount of responsibility because they’re afraid of dealing with themselves. If one is constantly immersed in community or work projects, kids’ sporting events or a friend’s out of control love life, so much so that they have to put themselves last, that person is avoiding themselves. That person is terrified of analyzing their plate and perhaps seeing a pile of dreams they never got around to. This, in part can explain a man’s mid life crisis and wives who, after the children, have left the nest and sometimes do a 180; becoming lesbians or go off to live in an ashram.

What if your secret passion is to become a fashion designer with their own line or a famous musical talent? But what if you don’t know how to sew or where the C note is on a keyboard? Do you give up on fulfilling that responsibility to yourselves? No. You learn how to sew and you take piano lessons. But you ask, “Do you know how old I’ll be by the time I finally learn to do it well?” The answer is, as the adage goes: “The same age you would be if you didn’t.” And if for some reason you don’t become world renown, who’s to say that ultimately you wouldn’t gain the same immense personal satisfaction from designing and sewing your niece’s wedding dress or being able to hold your friends captive every time you sit down at the piano? No one else is to say. Only you.

Personally, I’d love to be a published author of literary fiction. I dream about having enough advance money from a publishing house to sit around all by myself, staring at a blank page, waiting for inspiration to strike and possibly only getting a single, perfectly crafted sentence from a whole day’s work. Since this is what I want, I make room on my plate for it. I’ve audited the same creative writing class at a community college in LA at least seven times over the past three years. I tell people I can’t hang out because I have to finish a piece. I’ll miss a party or dinner because the writing bug bit that particular evening and I couldn’t refuse it. Even if the dream I have doesn’t come true in the way I imagine, it doesn’t mean it won’t come true at all. I started writing before I knew how to correctly form letters, let alone entire words, I will be writing until arthritis cripples my joints. I will be a writer just as he is a fashion designer and she a pianist, or a pastry chef or a surfer or a dancer or a film director.

Being responsible to yourself and keeping your plate well proportioned will mean telling a lot of other people no. The people that don’t understand why you’re telling them no can shove off (this includes your children, your pets, your boyfriend and other emotional infants). The people who do understand it will probably be thrilled that you’re finally giving more time to yourself; that you’ve chosen to make yourself a priority for once instead of everyone and everything else.

The overly responsible do the same thing as their irresponsible counterparts in that they dilute and scatter their focus all over the place. But unlike the irresponsible, if you’re overly responsible you probably feel completely worn out at the end of the day with no time to devote to yourself. Guard your time from other people’s expectations. Protect yourself from becoming involved in activities that aren’t wholly fulfilling. Hog your plate to yourself because like your life, you’ve only got one.